Ohhhhh Looovee.

So, my husband can be the funniest person ever. The problem is, he's super quiet. Not in a shy kind of way, just in the kind of way where he'd rather hear someone else talk than himself. It's a quality I admire and I try and remind myself everyday to be more like him in that way.

I once asked him why he's so quiet and his response was "I just feel like someone else has something better to say than I do."

Lord, thank you for a husband who teaches me something every day.

SO when he DOES talk it's usually well thought out and sweet, or extremely hilarious. Last night he was hilarious. At least, I think so. ;)

We were both having kind of a weird day- I was 'baby sad' as I call it to Ryan, and he had just come home from working at the funeral of a 9 year old little boy who was much loved in our community, but had recently died of cancer.
So anyways, we decided to take the dogs and walk around Ashland. Ashland has a much better (and more exciting) 'nightlife' than Meddy does, and we hadn't done that before.

(I'm worrying at this point that I'm giving too much lead-in to such a small story... but it feels good, so stay with me).

So we had our two pups with us. Penny, who is a little bit of a freak... she jumps around everywhere, always has to be ontop of Colby and also has a very unfortunate bowel control problem so much so that we have to keep her crated at night because otherwise she poops everywhere (gross, I know. Sorry). And Colby, who's more mellow, but really athletic, and super cute.

So I ask Ryan (because we're nerds, and don't have children so we talk about this kind of stuff): "Do you think our dogs are like us? Like, I'm super excitable like Penny and you're more mellow like Colby?"
 And without missing a beat he says "Yeah, and you keep pooping everywhere, too"

I don't know why but it hit me as the funniest thing anyone had ever said to me, and I was doubled over  on the sidewalk in Ashland laughing at my husband quick (if a little gross) wit.

And just like that, my day was better. <3

Summertime and feelin' fine.

I've had such a FUN summer so far! :) :) Here's just a few things I've done the past few months:

-Hawaii. :)
- Swim Meet in Reno with my awesome team.
-Redding Waterslides with our fun couple friends.
-Spent waaay too much time on Pinterest.com
- Had a picnic anniversary dinner: (Super chill anniversary including shredded pork sandwiches? Yes, please!)

Then, this weekend, we went for a short little trip to the coast! We both get 'over' things really fast. Like, we'll spend a bunch of time getting somewhere, be really excited, then be bored within like 5 minutes. I call it "Situational ADD." Whatever it is, I'm glad to have found someone in life who's like me in that way. So, our beach day consisted of: Waking up at 5:30am, packing up and leaving the house by 7am, grabbing some HB on the way (duh), driving alll the way there, and being on the beach for about an hour. It was perfection. We brought the pups, and they did excellent off their leashes. I was a proud momma. :)

We hiked around before finding a spot to relax and have our picnic lunch, and between the hiking and the racing Colby on the beach my legs are TIRED and SORE. *Sidenote: My dog is the fastest dog on the face of the planet. I was full-out sprinting, and I glanced over at him running beside me and he was barely jogging.

We took some silly little pics with Ryan's camera phone, so excuse the blurriness and my lack of makeup. :) It looks overcast, but that's the Oregon Coast for ya, and it was actually a really nice temperature out.

I love...

OK, this one's a bit of a brain dump, but it seemed like it might be fun to make a list of things I love--in no particular order. Random, I know, but I thought since my tastes changes so frequently, it'd be nice to see if things are different in a year or two. :)

Ryan (duh)

Texting instead of calling

Babies

Jesus (duh)

Swimming

Laughing so hard I can't breath

My sister

Pinterest

Daisies (specifically: Gerber)

Joshua and Ingrid

Puns

How I Met Your Mother

Target

Buying myself flowers when I've accomplished something (even if it's just cleaning my house)

Making lists

Snow

The Hunger Games

Birthdays

"And now I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom"

Anything miniature

The Time Travelers Wife (the film, not the book!)

Pandora

My pirate patch (kinda)

Waking up early

My dogs

Wearing mostly black and grey

The fact that almost no intelligent adult can spell the word "definitely" properly.

Breves. Especially with coconut. Sugar free.

"First Day of My Life"

Community

My Personal Brand of Crazy

OK, so almost anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a weee bit of OCD. 'Cept you, Mom. I think everyone knows it but you. It's okay, I know realizing your daughter is a bit nuts-o is hard to accept. ;)

Lately, it's been manifesting in strange ways... allow me to elaborate.

-Recycling. OMG! All of a sudden I am a little obsessed. Now, I'm concerned about the state of the environment/global warming/ whatever mumbo jumbo they're trying to sell these days. A little. Part of me thinks "Gosh, we really should be preserving things for our children and the generations to come" and part of me is like.. "Meh... whatever's convenient for me because I'm a little selfish like that." Until recently. Randomly I had this irrational fear of throwing plastic away. I've annoyed my coworkers for months now about pulling the trash bag up out of the trashcan and using it longer to reduce the number of bags we use. They probably hate me for it, but I can't resist! The idea that plastic will literally outlive me on this earth FREAKS me out. Not because I'm worried about the environment necessarily, I just don't like the idea of leaving a part of something I've used around even after my body's disintegrated. (This blog has taken a strrrannggee turn...) Weird, right? Which brings me to my next randomness...

-Cans. Ok, so Ryan and I got on this kick where we are trying to save money/ spend less. We've been a bit extravagant what with Hawaii, etc. So we decided it's time to buckle in for a little while. Eat out less, shop less, and try to tuck some away for when we have that lil bambino. As some of you may know, Ryan is in an *awesome* band. He mentioned once that he turns in cans and bottles and saves the deposit return for the "band fund" which the guys all have together. And, just like that, our "saving money" mode and my "recycling" mode clicked into this phenomenon where I am so excited to save cans. I've been saving the Rock.star cans from work (gosh, my poor co-workers, they really put up with a lot from me. I love all of you.) and today when I went to get my oil changed and they offered me a complimentary beverage I literally got giddy at the idea that I could add my diet coke can to the collection. So. Crazy. Please hold the judgement. Also, if you have any unclaimed cans you'd like to get off your hands... uh... call me. ;)

Also, my head swim coach teases me mercilessly about my need to cross off events on our heat sheet as we go through the meet. What he doesn't know is that crossing things off is pretty much my biggest OCD strain. I cross my days on my calendar, and my grocery lists, and sometimes I even write things on my 'to-do' list that I've already done, just so I can cross it off. What? Don't look at me like that. It feels good. And now I know that today I already: showered, got my oil changed, and brushed my teeth. Thanks, Mr. To-Do List, that's awesome! Go, me!

So, what I want to know is: Does anyone else have any random/funny things that they just HAVE to do. Any strange compulsions that I should know about so I feel like less of a freak? For instance, Ryan has to have the radio volume on an even number. He doesn't care if 12 is too soft or 14 is too loud. It can't be 13. It just can't. I would make fun of him for it but honestly, it's small potatoes compared to some of the stuff I put him through. ;)

Write new blog entry. Done and done. ;)

Easier than some, harder than most.

Here's the thing: I like being transparent. I don't mind not having very many secrets, and, if you ask (and sometimes even if you don't) I'll tell you whatever is on my mind. That being said, if you want to know me better, keep reading. If you'd rather not know all that much about me, please stop here and wait for the next probably more bubbly and humorous post... mmmkay?

16: The number of months Ryan and I have been "trying" to have a baby. I hate that phrase. "Trying." Because if you try, and don't succeed, then you fail, right? So I guess that sentence would be "The number of months Ryan and I have failed to have a baby".

12: The age at which I realized I wanted to be a mother. Ironically, also the number of children I used to tell people I wanted to have. For those of you who sharply inhaled upon reading that last sentence, don't worry- I've altered that down to a much more socially acceptable 3 or 4 rugrats.

482: Approximate number of days I've woken up, put my hand on my stomach, and wondered what it'd be like to be kicked gently from the inside. Melodramatic? Yes. 100% honest and hard to put in words? Also, yes.

25(ish): Number of pregnancies I've heard about via Facebook or in person while we have been trying to make a family ourselves.

192,0399: Number of times I've been told to "Just relax, it'll happen." Seriously, I know people mean well but if one more person tells me that I'm going to fly off the handle.

So. There's the short and tall of it. We want a baby. We haven't had a baby yet. I don't like that fact. Pretty simple.

Yes, we know why it hasn't happened yet. At least, we know why the doctor says it hasn't happened yet. But that part I'm keeping a secret. ;) At least, a secret from the blog world. If we're friends and you're curious I fully don't mind talking about it... please just ask! It's actually very nice and therapeutic for me to be able to talk about it. But Ryan and I decided in tandem that while my blog was whatever I wanted it to be, it wasn't the place to air out the specifics of this particular issue. So is it weird that I'm talking about it, without really talking about it? Sure. Do I care? Not really. ;)

Being diagnosed as infertile is a pretty weird thing. And by 'pretty weird' I mean 'absolutely terrifying.' I'd spent the last 11 years saying to anyone who wanted to know that my worst fear was never being able to have children. Everyone I said this to shrugged it off. They told me 'Yeah, that'd suck, but don't worry you'll be fine.' Ha.

So even though 16 months doesn't seem like a long time, remember that I've woken up everyday for more than a year feeling as if I'm literally living out my worst fear. Add to that ultrasound Facebook profile pics, and baby showers, and adorable, cuddly newborns of the 25ish pregnant women I've known and you've got one hot mess of a poor little infertile couple. Yes, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself, and I don't care.

And yet, we're not that bad. Like the title says: our journey has been easier than some, but harder than most. I've been reading a lot of fertility related blogs, and research, and pretty much everything I can get my hands on. And while it still could be a while for us, we've been given some hope lately in the form of some positive test results.

My heart breaks for some of the women whose blogs I've been reading. These strong, amazing, women having been struggling with infertility for SO LONG, or have had trouble carrying a baby to full term. It seems that even on my best days, they're still handling it better than I am. And they're on a whole different level than Ryan and I. We're talking daily shots, and IVF struggles, and miscarriages. They inspire me on every level. I have a weird mix of emotions towards them. Part of me wants to be strong and tough like they are, and the other part is hoping I never have to be that strong.

SO. If you're the praying type, please pray for strength for us. Pray that Philippians 4:13 will ring true in our hearts. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

And if you're not the praying type... just let me talk through it. :) Let me work it out, ask me how I'm doing, ask if you can do anything to help, but don't tell me about how it'll happen when I least expect it, or so and so adopted and now they got pregnant, or some magic formula of a vacation and alcohol that worked for someone else. I know that you don't know what else to say. I know that it's an uncomfortable topic. I know, maybe, you feel sorry for me and feel bad about that. That's okay.

There's a song by a band called Bright Eyes, that makes me think that someday it'll all be just fine. God will prevail, we'll get the child we've been dreaming about for years. Yes, I know it's cheesy, but here's what I'll sing to that lil baby.

"Yours is the first face that I saw

Think I was blind before I met you

I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know

These things take forever and I especially am slow

But I realized that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

And you said

This is the first day of my life

Glad I didn't die before I met you

Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you

And probably be happy"

Growing where I'm planted

I had one of those days where I woke up and looked around and had no idea what the heck I was doing with my life. Everything I owned seem foreign and unlike me. I felt purposeless and out of place.
Some of this had to to with the fact that I didn't work today. I usually get these feelings when I don't have anything planned for the day. I'm so used to being busy and having my days jam packed, that when they're not like that I tend to get restless. And not just restless for the day... restless about my life in general. It also had to do with the fact that my graduating class had their commencement ceremony today. And though I graduated in December, I had the option of 'walking' with the June graduates. I chose not to. At the time I figured I'd want to be as far away as possible from SOU, college, and it's responsibilities in general. But knowing that my peers were celebrating the next step in their life today, and I was just celebrating the fact that it was Saturday felt... weird. I had celebrated already in December, my wonderful sister threw me a dinner/get together and took me to New York. She's awesome like that. :) But today that felt like so long ago. And today I woke up realizing these things about myself:

- As much as I love my house, it's tiny. And when it gets even remotely cluttered, I get stressed at the lack of space.

- I love my job, and I'm blessed to work where I do and with the girls I work with. But it is no way related to my desired Public Health/ Social Work field.

- I'm not a mother. Probably won't be for a while. Possibly can't be one ever.

- I haven't spent a good amount of time being a WIFE. Doing the things I believe a wife should do.

So, I did what any person with a few hours to kill and internet access would do. I started to browse. I browsed job ads in Medford, Seattle, and in Portland. I pretended for a few minutes that it was feasible to get up and move somewhere else. Somewhere with better job opportunities. Somewhere with a bigger house. Somewhere where I don't have to watch every person I know get pregnant before me, simply because I wouldn't know anyone in a new town.
And then I laughed, because I could never get Ryan to leave. He loves his band, he has a good job, and he's happy in Medford. And I realized, I am to. I didn't need a change of scenery, I needed a change of attitude. And while I cannot, at this moment, change all of the issues on my 'list' I CAN change the bit about being a better wife. I SHOULD change that part.

So I had a very 'wifely' day. I went to Farmers Market and bought some fresh veggies for dinner and  the most amazing strawberries I've ever eaten. I went to Freddy's and bought ground buffalo and decided to make buffalo burgers for dinner. I bought myself a bouquet of sunflowers, because flowers ALWAYS make me feel better. I came home, and cleaned and prepared dinner before Ryan gets home from work. And while I was out and about doing these things something kind weird happened. People talked to me at the grocery store. Like, conversations. At the checkout. One lady asked me about what I was making with the ingredients I had bought, the man behind me starting talking about buffalo recipes, and the checker added a few comments about cooking. Something about connecting with these strangers gave me peace. I can't explain it, but something in that moment said "You're exactly where you should be." I realize this sounds cheesy, I do. But it's true. And it made me realize that I should be growing where I'm planted. I should be doing the best I can with what I've got. Because when I really get down to it. I've got alot.

Aloha, Mahalo, and everything in between!

Have you ever seen that Friends episode where the whole gang goes to Barbados to listen to Ross give a Palentology speech? No one goes for the speech, they all go because, well, duh, it's in Barbados. But everytime they try to go outside and enjoy the tropical paradise, they open the curtains and there is a crazy wind/lighting/thunderstorm going on?? Uh, that perfectly describes our Hawaii vacation.

Don't get me wrong, it was still amazing, and I'd go back in a heartbeat (we're actually thinking Maui next year for our 5 year anniversary). But it was soooo not the tropical vacation (read: being lazy on the beach and turning into a brown crispie) that I was looking forward to. But, Kauai was beautttiiffull! So lush and green and rugged and amazingly.... nice. I guess it's so green from all the rain, eh?

All that said, it was quite the adventure. Ryan's never really traveled, and NYC with Carlie was about the most traveling I'd done pretty much my whole life, so I was a little nervous to see how we'd do. And the answer is... pretty well, actually! We snorkeled and saw sea turtles (which was one of my biggest 'hope to's for the trip), I layed by the pool when it was nice and read almost 2 books while I was there.

We also became slligghttlllyy obsessed with the coffee the maid service was bringing to our room every day, so we decided to track it down and see if we could bring a pound or two home to enjoy here. It's called Kauai Coffee, and, being the "coffee snob" that everyone working as a barista at some point becomes, I figured we should try and find it if I liked it. ;) We found the address on a pamphlet in the hotel, typed it into our GPS, and drove the 20 or so minutes to what we thought was the Vistor Center. No, no.... NOT the Visitor Center. The address was for the farm. Like, where the coffee beans grow. Like, on a dirt road. Like, a dirt road in the middle of NOWHERE. Have I mentioned yet that we were driving our rented Ford Focus? And that I had to drive because of a fluke with our credit card? And that it decided the moment we turned onto the dirt road to start raining "Lost"-style. As in a sudden and torrential down pour that invoked images of Kate and Jack in the forest just blinking at each other yelling about whether to return or the beaches or caves, beaches or caves!??? Ya follow me?? This happened twice. Our poor lil rental. But we made it and bought some delicious decaf and an awesome, oversize souvenier mug. Love it.

The second time was on the way to a beach on the West Shore called Polihale. We heard from everyone "Ohh, it's always sunny on the west shore. You want sun? Go to Polihale, go to Polihale." Yeah, not so much. It was beeaauutiful on the drive TO Polihale. This is a pic I took on the way there.

Gorgeous, right??

 Mind you, it took us 30 mins to drive from our hotel to the dirt road leading to the beach and another 40 minutes on the dirt road because it was so potholed and muddy from the previous day's rain. As soon as we stepped on that amazing, white sandy beach it started to POUR. It looked more like this:

I forced Ryan to drive on the way back because I am not a fan of driving around in the mud. Rental agreement be damned. And, I'm not gonna lie to you. I cried. A lot. A little. This was supposed to be our last chance to get to the beaches and hang out because we were leaving the next morning. I had yet to lay on the beach for more than 10 minutes. Total. sigh.

BUT. Rain and other minor traumas aside, it was mostly great. We laughed, had fun, enjoyed each other's company, ate waayyy to much Kahlua Pork at a Luau, drank the best Pina Colada I've ever had, and spent some good quality quiet time with my husband. (Which, if you know my husband is not hard to come by, but always enjoyable.)

Probably one of my favorrite things was going to Waimea Canyon. Its nicknamed the "Grand Canyon of the Pacific" can you tell why??

Oh, and one last word... if you've never been to Kauai, go for the chickens. Just the chickens. They were hilarious and I'm pretty sure they were Ryan's favorite part. At least according to the sheer volume of pictures he took of them. ;)

Aloha for now!! :)