Lately I have this overwhelming sense that Ryan and I will never be parents. I feel like I have hit a brick wall in my sense of hope. A friend asked me the other day what answers I was getting in my prayers regarding infertility. I just shrugged at her, slack jawed, and said "None." Its so easy to feel alone and bitter on the inside and fake optimisim and hope on the outside. I feel like I get better at it everyday.
I can mouth the words God has a plan, I know. Yeah, it'll all work out. But sometimes I feel like I only say them to comfort other people. To convince them that I'm fine, and we're fine, and that everything is fine. Because they can't really bother if its not.
But sometimes, its not. Sometimes, it sucks. Sometimes, one small letter in the mail can turn everything in me upside down.
I feel so stuck right now. I have these four options whirling around in my head at a constant and steady speed. And I want to do all of them, and none of them.
Adoption. Foster. In-vitro. Give up. Adoption. Foster. In-vitro. Give up.
What to do? The answers are so inconsitent day to day. Heck, sometimes hour to hour. Today is a Give Up day. Yesterday was Adoption. Tomorrow... Who knows.
"Its so easy to feel alone and bitter on the inside and fake optimisim and hope on the outside. I feel like I get better at it everyday." -- all I can say is to know that you are NOT alone in having moments/days/even weeks where you feel like this. It's okay to feel sad about this part of the journey ... and to feel angry, and lost, and everything else. Do you read Amy's blog by chance? They are parenting little LC after a long TTC journey, and I find her faith to be really uplifting when I'm frustrated with things. http://amwalk21.blogspot.com/
ReplyDeleteHang in there hon. God does have a plan - even when you are crazy frustrated and wanting to have that baby in your arms yesterday.