I love...

OK, this one's a bit of a brain dump, but it seemed like it might be fun to make a list of things I love--in no particular order. Random, I know, but I thought since my tastes changes so frequently, it'd be nice to see if things are different in a year or two. :)

Ryan (duh)

Texting instead of calling

Babies

Jesus (duh)

Swimming

Laughing so hard I can't breath

My sister

Pinterest

Daisies (specifically: Gerber)

Joshua and Ingrid

Puns

How I Met Your Mother

Target

Buying myself flowers when I've accomplished something (even if it's just cleaning my house)

Making lists

Snow

The Hunger Games

Birthdays

"And now I don't think I won't not go to the bathroom"

Anything miniature

The Time Travelers Wife (the film, not the book!)

Pandora

My pirate patch (kinda)

Waking up early

My dogs

Wearing mostly black and grey

The fact that almost no intelligent adult can spell the word "definitely" properly.

Breves. Especially with coconut. Sugar free.

"First Day of My Life"

Community

My Personal Brand of Crazy

OK, so almost anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a weee bit of OCD. 'Cept you, Mom. I think everyone knows it but you. It's okay, I know realizing your daughter is a bit nuts-o is hard to accept. ;)

Lately, it's been manifesting in strange ways... allow me to elaborate.

-Recycling. OMG! All of a sudden I am a little obsessed. Now, I'm concerned about the state of the environment/global warming/ whatever mumbo jumbo they're trying to sell these days. A little. Part of me thinks "Gosh, we really should be preserving things for our children and the generations to come" and part of me is like.. "Meh... whatever's convenient for me because I'm a little selfish like that." Until recently. Randomly I had this irrational fear of throwing plastic away. I've annoyed my coworkers for months now about pulling the trash bag up out of the trashcan and using it longer to reduce the number of bags we use. They probably hate me for it, but I can't resist! The idea that plastic will literally outlive me on this earth FREAKS me out. Not because I'm worried about the environment necessarily, I just don't like the idea of leaving a part of something I've used around even after my body's disintegrated. (This blog has taken a strrrannggee turn...) Weird, right? Which brings me to my next randomness...

-Cans. Ok, so Ryan and I got on this kick where we are trying to save money/ spend less. We've been a bit extravagant what with Hawaii, etc. So we decided it's time to buckle in for a little while. Eat out less, shop less, and try to tuck some away for when we have that lil bambino. As some of you may know, Ryan is in an *awesome* band. He mentioned once that he turns in cans and bottles and saves the deposit return for the "band fund" which the guys all have together. And, just like that, our "saving money" mode and my "recycling" mode clicked into this phenomenon where I am so excited to save cans. I've been saving the Rock.star cans from work (gosh, my poor co-workers, they really put up with a lot from me. I love all of you.) and today when I went to get my oil changed and they offered me a complimentary beverage I literally got giddy at the idea that I could add my diet coke can to the collection. So. Crazy. Please hold the judgement. Also, if you have any unclaimed cans you'd like to get off your hands... uh... call me. ;)

Also, my head swim coach teases me mercilessly about my need to cross off events on our heat sheet as we go through the meet. What he doesn't know is that crossing things off is pretty much my biggest OCD strain. I cross my days on my calendar, and my grocery lists, and sometimes I even write things on my 'to-do' list that I've already done, just so I can cross it off. What? Don't look at me like that. It feels good. And now I know that today I already: showered, got my oil changed, and brushed my teeth. Thanks, Mr. To-Do List, that's awesome! Go, me!

So, what I want to know is: Does anyone else have any random/funny things that they just HAVE to do. Any strange compulsions that I should know about so I feel like less of a freak? For instance, Ryan has to have the radio volume on an even number. He doesn't care if 12 is too soft or 14 is too loud. It can't be 13. It just can't. I would make fun of him for it but honestly, it's small potatoes compared to some of the stuff I put him through. ;)

Write new blog entry. Done and done. ;)

Easier than some, harder than most.

Here's the thing: I like being transparent. I don't mind not having very many secrets, and, if you ask (and sometimes even if you don't) I'll tell you whatever is on my mind. That being said, if you want to know me better, keep reading. If you'd rather not know all that much about me, please stop here and wait for the next probably more bubbly and humorous post... mmmkay?

16: The number of months Ryan and I have been "trying" to have a baby. I hate that phrase. "Trying." Because if you try, and don't succeed, then you fail, right? So I guess that sentence would be "The number of months Ryan and I have failed to have a baby".

12: The age at which I realized I wanted to be a mother. Ironically, also the number of children I used to tell people I wanted to have. For those of you who sharply inhaled upon reading that last sentence, don't worry- I've altered that down to a much more socially acceptable 3 or 4 rugrats.

482: Approximate number of days I've woken up, put my hand on my stomach, and wondered what it'd be like to be kicked gently from the inside. Melodramatic? Yes. 100% honest and hard to put in words? Also, yes.

25(ish): Number of pregnancies I've heard about via Facebook or in person while we have been trying to make a family ourselves.

192,0399: Number of times I've been told to "Just relax, it'll happen." Seriously, I know people mean well but if one more person tells me that I'm going to fly off the handle.

So. There's the short and tall of it. We want a baby. We haven't had a baby yet. I don't like that fact. Pretty simple.

Yes, we know why it hasn't happened yet. At least, we know why the doctor says it hasn't happened yet. But that part I'm keeping a secret. ;) At least, a secret from the blog world. If we're friends and you're curious I fully don't mind talking about it... please just ask! It's actually very nice and therapeutic for me to be able to talk about it. But Ryan and I decided in tandem that while my blog was whatever I wanted it to be, it wasn't the place to air out the specifics of this particular issue. So is it weird that I'm talking about it, without really talking about it? Sure. Do I care? Not really. ;)

Being diagnosed as infertile is a pretty weird thing. And by 'pretty weird' I mean 'absolutely terrifying.' I'd spent the last 11 years saying to anyone who wanted to know that my worst fear was never being able to have children. Everyone I said this to shrugged it off. They told me 'Yeah, that'd suck, but don't worry you'll be fine.' Ha.

So even though 16 months doesn't seem like a long time, remember that I've woken up everyday for more than a year feeling as if I'm literally living out my worst fear. Add to that ultrasound Facebook profile pics, and baby showers, and adorable, cuddly newborns of the 25ish pregnant women I've known and you've got one hot mess of a poor little infertile couple. Yes, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself, and I don't care.

And yet, we're not that bad. Like the title says: our journey has been easier than some, but harder than most. I've been reading a lot of fertility related blogs, and research, and pretty much everything I can get my hands on. And while it still could be a while for us, we've been given some hope lately in the form of some positive test results.

My heart breaks for some of the women whose blogs I've been reading. These strong, amazing, women having been struggling with infertility for SO LONG, or have had trouble carrying a baby to full term. It seems that even on my best days, they're still handling it better than I am. And they're on a whole different level than Ryan and I. We're talking daily shots, and IVF struggles, and miscarriages. They inspire me on every level. I have a weird mix of emotions towards them. Part of me wants to be strong and tough like they are, and the other part is hoping I never have to be that strong.

SO. If you're the praying type, please pray for strength for us. Pray that Philippians 4:13 will ring true in our hearts. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

And if you're not the praying type... just let me talk through it. :) Let me work it out, ask me how I'm doing, ask if you can do anything to help, but don't tell me about how it'll happen when I least expect it, or so and so adopted and now they got pregnant, or some magic formula of a vacation and alcohol that worked for someone else. I know that you don't know what else to say. I know that it's an uncomfortable topic. I know, maybe, you feel sorry for me and feel bad about that. That's okay.

There's a song by a band called Bright Eyes, that makes me think that someday it'll all be just fine. God will prevail, we'll get the child we've been dreaming about for years. Yes, I know it's cheesy, but here's what I'll sing to that lil baby.

"Yours is the first face that I saw

Think I was blind before I met you

I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know

These things take forever and I especially am slow

But I realized that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

And you said

This is the first day of my life

Glad I didn't die before I met you

Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you

And probably be happy"