Bucket List

While we are on a 'Baby Break' (as we're calling it) our counselor suggested making a Bucket List* of all the things we want to accomplish before kiddos come (or dont come. Or whatever. This stage in my life has very confusing phrasings.)
The List should consist of all types of things. Places we want to travel. Things we want to buy. Things we want to get done. Little things. Big things. Its basically our time to be selfish and experience life. I read once that your 20s are supposed to be your selfish time in life and I found that apalling. Now, I kind of like that idea. I need to remember that 24 is not middle aged. Sure, I have a husband, and mortgage, and a college degree... But that only makes me AHEAD of the Game. Right?! Just because I have those things accomplished doesn't mean I need to propel myself into total Grown Up status. I CAN give myself permission to be a little irresonsible and silly and adventurous.
So without furthur ado... Our List.
Which I fully expect to evolve over time. And these are in no particular order.
1.Go camping in the Redwoods
2. Spend and entire Saturday in bed watching movies
3. Buy iphones and a new computer
4. Go to Disneyland
5. Go out to a WHOLE dinner (Drinks, appetizers, dessert- we never do this!)
6. Buy a bigger TV (this is Ryans. Haha.)
7. Go ziplining
8. Pay off the house (hahahaha! We gotta dream, right??)
9. Drive up to the mountain and stargaze
10. Go to a Ducks game together
11. Dollar store junk food night (we used to do this when we were dating. Ahh the metabolisim of 18 year olds!) 
12. Visit Yosemite and hike the falls
13. Force Ryan to fall in love with Seattle so we can move there (Sooo not happening) ;)
I fully dont expect all of these to happen. And I hope no one things we're shallow or anything. It's just time for a little FUN!
*I really tried to pull out a pun for this bad boy but the only thing I could come up with was calling it a 'Diaper Pail List' which Ryan totally vetoed. Shucks.

Ok, I'm done.

This whole 'Hey lets have a baby' thing?? I'm over it.

Not in a 'feel sorry for me' way.

Not in a 'I'm depressed' way.

Not in a 'I'm upset with Gods plan for my life' way.

Not even in a 'What the %$@#' way.

Just... I'm done.

Infertility: you win. Congratulations.

Adoption: you're crazy expensive. And complicated, and hard.

Foster Care: I don't want some crazy messed up situation. I just want a BABY. So you suck, too.

Soooo... Done. With all of it. And OK with it.

I just want to go back to enjoying my life. And not being focused on babies and goals and lack of progress and control. I just want to get to a place where I can enjoy my time with my husband and not care whats next.

Tomorrow, who knows?

Lately I have this overwhelming sense that Ryan and I will never be parents. I feel like I have hit a brick wall in my sense of hope. A friend asked me the other day what answers I was getting in my prayers regarding infertility. I just shrugged at her, slack jawed, and said "None." Its so easy to feel alone and bitter on the inside and fake optimisim and hope on the outside. I feel like I get better at it everyday.

I can mouth the words God has a plan, I know. Yeah, it'll all work out. But sometimes I feel like I only say them to comfort other people. To convince them that I'm fine, and we're fine, and that everything is fine. Because they can't really bother if its not.

But sometimes, its not. Sometimes, it sucks. Sometimes, one small letter in the mail can turn everything in me upside down.

I feel so stuck right now. I have these four options whirling around in my head at a constant and steady speed. And I want to do all of them, and none of them.
Adoption. Foster. In-vitro. Give up. Adoption. Foster. In-vitro. Give up. 

What to do? The answers are so inconsitent day to day. Heck, sometimes hour to hour. Today is a Give Up day. Yesterday was Adoption. Tomorrow... Who knows.