Tomorrow, who knows?

Lately I have this overwhelming sense that Ryan and I will never be parents. I feel like I have hit a brick wall in my sense of hope. A friend asked me the other day what answers I was getting in my prayers regarding infertility. I just shrugged at her, slack jawed, and said "None." Its so easy to feel alone and bitter on the inside and fake optimisim and hope on the outside. I feel like I get better at it everyday.

I can mouth the words God has a plan, I know. Yeah, it'll all work out. But sometimes I feel like I only say them to comfort other people. To convince them that I'm fine, and we're fine, and that everything is fine. Because they can't really bother if its not.

But sometimes, its not. Sometimes, it sucks. Sometimes, one small letter in the mail can turn everything in me upside down.

I feel so stuck right now. I have these four options whirling around in my head at a constant and steady speed. And I want to do all of them, and none of them.
Adoption. Foster. In-vitro. Give up. Adoption. Foster. In-vitro. Give up. 

What to do? The answers are so inconsitent day to day. Heck, sometimes hour to hour. Today is a Give Up day. Yesterday was Adoption. Tomorrow... Who knows.

Different priorities

I've been out of school now for a year and a half. I spent the four and a half years that it took to finish my degree dreaming about what it would be like to be done with school. After that long of working my buns off (school and working- both full time- is no walk in the park, let me tell you.) I figured my life would be feel so luxurious and relaxed and complete.  And in someways it does feel that way. (Though every now and again when I'm watching t.v. or relaxing I get this vague sense that I should be writing a paper or something-haha!)

And in other ways my life now feels even more messy and chaotic and frustrating. Now that my life isn't so academically focused I have more time to create drama in my head. More time to feel sorry for myself.More time to compare my life with other people around me. Anyone else have this problem? Idle hands are... The whiny baby's playground??

Part of the problem is social networking. It is both amazing and the bane of my existence. I feel like I can't go one day without getting annoyed that other people have it better/easier than me. Right?! And I feel like I am constantly in the position of defending my priorities.

Obviously this is all in my head. Logically, I know that. Logically I know that no one thinks I'm crazy for doing what I do. Sure, for those who follow me on IG and FB are probably a little tired of seeing chicken updates and hearing about our getting out of debt and paying cash for an adoption. Logically I know that no one thinks we are stupid for doing what we're doing.

But its hard to remember that when you see other people doing all kinds of fun things. Things they want to do because their priorities are different.

And thats what it really boils down to. Different priorities.

And thats ok.

I (and you, if you're reading this and feeling the same way) need to stop comparing my behind-the-scenes footage with everyone elses' highlight reel. Right?!

I stood in one place today and made 12 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to freeze. Why? Because it will save money by not being tempted to eat out. It was probably the least glamorous thing I've done this week (jelly in your hair--anyone??). Then I went on facebook and saw everyone posting beautiful pictures of themselves with other beautiful people having a beautiful time. And it kind of sucked.

Different priorities. Different focus. Different life.

I have to remind myself that, by nature, Ryan and I are mostly homebodies. We're happy hanging out in our undies, because we dont have a/c, and watching ridiculous shows like TopShot on netflix.  

And that HAS to be ok.

Is anyone else with me, or am I totally crazy?!

The strange life.

Sometimes things like this happen. And I think... I really wouldnt have my strange little life any other way.

Im thinking of having one of these as our adoption profile pic. Yes?? ;)

August Goals

July. Anniversary Month. Middle of Summer. All around crazy.

July Goals

1. Make a homemaker binder. Plus write a post about it.

Made it. Love it. Havent written a post yet because I cant find my camera anywhere... But heres a low-down on the categories: budget, recipes, contacts, reference, a section for business cards, and an adoption section. All in a 3 ring binder with lots of sheet protectors and other dorky things. ;)

2. Finish paying off credit cards.

Yaaaayyyyyyy!!

3. Read some scripture 4 days a week.
Did better towards the end than I did at the beginning. Still needs some work. But don't we all need some work?! Ha!

4. Take DHS Foster/Adoption class.

Yep!

5. Paint cubby box for bedroom.

Almost. All sanded down and ready to paint (by my husband, who I sweet-talked into doing it for me-ha!)

The adoption/foster meeting was depressing/interesting/encouraging. I have a feeling thats how the whole process is gonna go. Oy. We meet with our social worker for the first time on the 22nd!!

August Goals

1. Listen to audio bible/devotions while I get ready in the morning (as my sweet co-worker called it 'getting beautiful on the outside AND the inside.' Love it.)

2. Start paying off cars. Our next step in the debt-reduction adventure. We realize not the smartest mathmatically, but we're going at this Dave Ramsey-style. Love Dave. 

3. Meet with Debra The Social Worker. Cross our fingers she likes us. Haha. Im half kidding.

4. Start training for Half Marathon in September. No serious game plan. Just run when I can. No stress. Have fun with it.

Thats all! Keeping it kinda light this month. We're on a break from swim practice and I just want to soak up summer and relax!!

Happy August!!

You know those days...

Where you need a big, fat, good cry and a plate of brownies? Yeah. Its one of those days.

Jenson

In my lil decorating dreamland I've been working on stepping out of my little matchy-matchy box and trying some new things. I've been spray painting, switching art around, and second hand shopping. All things I've never been great at, but I'm trying to channel my inner $herdog. Haha!

Which brings me to this guy:

I found him for $8 at a second hand store. Hes a hand-made, slightly creepy, mostly awesome, cookie jar circa 1969 (I only know this because it was carved into his lil squirrely bottom).
I had been in the market for a cookie jar since Ryan has been demanding cookies on a weekly basis and my cookies are so delish a regular ol' tupperware just isn't worthy. Modest, much? ;)

So anyhow, after a lil bathy-poo (bahy-poo??! Oh my, do I need children or what?!)

He was all ready to spray paint a nice glossy white!! I love how he turned out. Please excuse the cell phone pics, our camera is MIA. (Haha! Camera? Action?!)

His name came to me as I was dropping him in the sink. I think I said something like 'In you go, Jenson, buddy.' Now if you'll excuse me I need to bake some cookies while I phone my shrink.

July Goals

Ok. Time to fess up. I flaked out on most of my May/June business.

Partly out of laziness. Partly because I got a promotion (yay) and so my work duties amped a little bit. And partly because of the whole clomid-no-go-hey-what-about-adoption-thing.

Good thing I never claimed to be perfect, eh?! ;)

Nevertheless, this whole monthly goals thing was always about progress and encouraging myself rather than perfection. So in that vein of thought... Here are my July goals!!

July Goals

1. Make a homemaker binder. Plus write a post about it.
2. Finish paying off credit cards (down to the very last bit!)
3. Read some scripture 4 days a week. Amount and book not important. Just get in the Word.
4. Take DHS Foster/Adoption class.
5. Paint cubby box for bedroom.

Hopefully the break from my goals will have been refreshing and not the start of a lazy summer. Ok. A little lazy is good. ;)