Figuring it all out

I took an inadvertent little break from blogging. Every once in a while I get to a place in my life where something happens and I just need time to process. I swear to myself and my husband that I will keep X Y or Z to myself, as I tend to be an oversharer and thats not something I love about myself. I dont love that I process outloud. I dont love that sometimes I dont understand how I feel until I get it out. I dont love that I have very few secrets to myself.

But thats the way the Lord made me. And thats how I've always been. So eventually I come around and next thing you know the lady next to me in the grocery store innocently picking out strawberries gets my whole life story. Sigh.

And such is how I've been about our recent life decisions. At first wanting to tell no one- and the next moment shouting it from the rooftops.

Anyone else like this? Caught between wanting privacy and needing to get things off your chest... Multiple times to multiple people??

Anyhow. Down to the news.

Clomid = a big fat NOPE. Not even a little.

I think I started crying before we got to the elevator on the way back to the car. Scratch that. I know I was bawling by the time I was reaching for the keys.

I dont know why I was so surprised. The doctor told us in no uncertain terms the clomid wasnt a sure thing. But the thing is --I just got so damn hopeful. For months I crossed my fingers, (and uncrossed other parts- ha!!) and hoped and prayed that it would work well enough to do an IUI. I was even hopeful enough to think maybe it had raised enough to conceive on our own. No such dice. Nice try, sucka.

But, instead, I found myself sobbing in the parking lot of a urology clinic with a death grip on my husbands hand. My sweet husband. I looked at him, sighed, and said 'I dont want to do this anymore. Can we adopt?'

He wouldnt admit this if you asked him, but I saw a lot of tension leave the poor guys body as he sighed and sweetly agreed. And we've been ga-ga about adoption ever since. Serious excitement and planning and day dreaming going on, I'm not gonna lie. It all feels magical again, like when we first started TTC. I dont know how else to explain it but I feel so much more at peace.

Yes, pregnant woman still make me a little... envious/anxious/want to punch something-ish. But its much better than before.

And I cant get over the very strong feeling that there is a very specific baby/scenerio/wonderful epiphany waiting. We just have to find it. So here I am, shouting from the rooftops of Blogdom-

We're adopting!!! (And if anyone knows of an available baby... Uh... Hook us up!)